Last Post of the YEAR. BOOM!

This post is super short. Mostly because its a half-assed sorry excuse for a week, and I resent having to be conscious for it. Oh and the blogger layout is all different, which is very confusing to me. And speaking of, gmail, twitter, and facebook have all changed recently. Honestly, I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to find the "send" button on a social media site. I thought young people were supposed to adapt to these changes quickly but I guess by "young people" they mean "five year olds." ANYHOO, on this lovely ranty note, I want to say...

I drew this for you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Seriously. I hope everyone has a great time this weekend even though you probably won't have more fun than Boyfriend and I because we're going to Seaside Town and we're probably going to watch movies and do jigsaw puzzles and drink a lot. Follow me on twitter if you want live drunken updates. [Also, is anyone here on 20sb.net? Because I joined it and I have a pitiful amount of friends so if you're on it please friend me and help me not feel like such a loser.]

Okay everyone! Time to pack and whatnot and work on my WORLD'S BEST GIRLFRIEND resolution. See you next year!

New Year’s Resolution Lioness!

*Deep breath* After our earlier issues, we talked it out and lioness decided she wanted to try this again. Despite the fact that not all cultures/religions believe the New Year begins on January 1st, she has graciously agreed to participate in today’s post.

New Year’s Resolution Lioness!

Gia: Hi Lioness! What’s your new year’s resolution?

Lioness: mumblemumblecontroltempermumble

Gia: I’m sorry, what was that?

Lioness: To control my temper, OKAY?!?!?

Gia: You’re off to a great start

Lioness: IS IT THE NEW YEAR YET?!?

Gia: ...no

Lioness: Then back the hell off!

Gia: Okay okay. Sheeeeesh

Lioness: What’s YOUR new years res, Gia? Besides to stop being so smartassy??

Gia: Funny you should ask, Lioness! This year, I resolve to be the WORLD'S BEST GIRLFRIEND EVER to Boyfriend. EVER. 

Gia: * mimicking lioness*  but wait Gia, you already are! 

Lioness: Bitch, step off. I did NOT say that.

Gia: Yeah yeah.

Lioness: There are lots of things you could be better at.

Gia: Maybe one or two things…

Lioness: Lots.

Gia: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Lioness: Really? Because Boyfriend told me what you did last night. How you denied him SLEEP. How cruel can you be?!? What, is your bedroom Gitmo?

Gia: It was 9 pm!!

Lioness: You kept talking to him and poking him (in the EYE) and biting him and in general keeping him awake. You know he gets up at the unholy ass crack of dawn, Gia.

Gia: I know I know. But I thought he was going to have to leave at 8 pm to go chauffeur his kid around, so I recklessly drank  a shit ton of coffee, assuming I'd be alone and wired last night.

Lioness: I don't want to hear your excuses. Sleep is sleep, bitch.

Gia: Only 9 pm!

Lioness: Yeah, and how cranky do YOU get when someone wakes you up at 9am on the weekend, hmmmm?
Gia: Touche.

SIGH. Sorry, Boyfriend! Seems like I have my work cut out for me. Good thing this resolution didn't start yesterday. Does anyone else have any good New Year’s Resolutions they feel like sharing? Or bad ones? Really, any for me to read that will help me procrastinate on me starting my WORLDS' BEST GIRLFRIEND work... 

Sorry I ruined Christmas, everyone.

If you’ve been following my twitter at all or have read any of my Thanksgiving posts, you’ll know I come from a large obnoxious pushy white zinfandel drinking Italian family. So it should come as no surprise to learn that we make a big deal out of Christmas.

Pretty tree!

I am in charge of making Christmas Cookies – chocolate chip and sugar cookies, which I decorate with the help of my artistic friend. 

First, I fucked up the chocolate chip. I didn’t use enough flour because my mom likes them flat, but they completely fell apart when I put them in a cooling rack.  As in, big gloopy chunks of cookie fell through the lines of the rack onto the counter, and the edges collapsed on themselves. A little cookie implosion, if you will.  I wish I had taken a picture of the disaster, but I was too ashamed, so I threw out the first two dozen. I added more flour, which kind of saved the others, though they didn’t look so great:

 Meh.

Then it came down to the sugar cookies. I baked them excellently. BUT then my friend and I had to decorate them. We usually go all out and they look amazing. (Even though this blog is anonymous, I have to admit that she’s much better at decorating than I am.) But this year, for some reason, we were off. Our cookies used to look like this:

Imagine its a round sugar cookie

But this year it as more like this:

Like a drunk monkey did it.

So, I’m kind of ashamed. Here are some of the “better” ones:

Here’s a heart I made Boyfriend. He said it was “sweet” and “creepy” because it was big and drippy with blood and looks like a zombie heart.  (I know, he’s obsessed.)

And here’s the cookie version of “us” (I usually make much better people, but not this year). Boyfriend said he doesn’t have a heart, but besides that, it’s pretty accurate.

I'm the blonde girl in the red...blob.

Here’s a train:

Choo Chooo

And here’s a dreidel because Boyfriend is kind of Jewishy (Jewish-ish? You know what I mean)

Anyway, here are a bunch of plates together that make them look way more impressive than they actually are.

Don't look closely at them. Just glance. If you glance, they're pretty.

All in all, it was not my best showing. So, I’m so so sorry guys for ruining Christmas. 

Here's a kitty picture to make everything better! 

I Don’t Wanna Toot My Own Horn But HONK HONK

So, Boyfriend and I exchanged Christmas presents last week. I’m super proud of what I got him (hence the title of this post).

What did I get him, you ask?

1. A ZOMBIE COMIC BOOK (sorry, graphic novel).

Boyfriend likes the Walking Dead.  And obviously, zombies. So when I learned that the Walking Dead started as a comic book, I knew I had to get it for Boyfriend. (Actually, I read it on one the blogs I follow. But I can’t remember which one it was to give someone a shout out. DAMNIT!)

2. A Zombie Video Game!!!

 Awhile ago, Boyfriend mentioned he wanted to get himself a video game to play in the winter (you know, while I’m doing jigsaw puzzles, like the lame ass intellectual I am). And also, have I mentioned he’s into zombies? So, I got him a zombie video game! It actually required a bit of research because I don’t know shit about video games. It was between this one or one that had a glitch in it where sometimes it would lose the game in the middle. I know if Boyfriend played a game that did that he’d have an anger stroke  and that wouldn’t be fun for anyone.

I actually may be experiencing SLIGHT gift giver’s remorse on this one, though. The last guy I dated before Boyfriend played Halo waaaaaay too much and would get lost in the game for hours, so Boyfriend and I refer to him not so fondly as “Halo boy.” I’m not saying I’m having nam-like flashbacks exactly, but this happened on Friday:

10:30am me: ughhhhhhhh [I was home. Cut me a break]

1:30 pm Boyfriend: Killing zombies

I called him and made him talk to me for a few minutes cuz it was the only time I was getting alone time all weekend. Thanks, smothering italian family.  Then:

3:30 Me: Just destroyed two dozen cookies. Clearly I’m responsible for ruining Christmas 

4:18 [I sent a pic of cookies] Mehh.

6:00 I’m tired and making ugly cookies wahhhhhh!!!! [I was decorating sugar cookies at this point. And they were all ugly. Ick]

6:30 Are you still killing zombies?!?!?! 

Rawr. I didn't hear from him til the next day. [And I have to add that I told Boyfriend I was going to put this in a blog post because it was kind of funny and he got a little offended and said he is MUCH better than Halo Boy. Which he is, in every single way. But still, it's funny and it happened and I'm leaving it in.]

3. A mug!

Not just any mug, you guys. A specially designed mug by yours truly. I know it’s a little corny, but I wanted it to say something that wasn’t filthy or too Boyfriend specific.

4. ALLIE COASTERS!!!!

Allie is probably his favorite drawing of mine. Besides the slut one which I probably should have gotten printed and framed for him to hang in his office but oh well there’s always next year. I remembered he didn’t have real coasters on the nightstand of his seaside house, so I designed these for him! But he’s too sweet, and made me keep one. Now we each have our own Allie coaster. Yeah, we’re adorable. It’s okay to say it.

So I wasn’t exactly keeping score, but that’s gotta be worth a bunch of girlfriend points, right?

Yaaaaay!!

Christmas Lioness Got Confused

Christmas Lioness’s Wish: Wait, what’s today? Did I miss Christmas? Damnit. I’m Jewish, you know. You should be happy I agreed to be a part of this at all, Gia. I mean, would it have killed you to put up a menorah on the blog or something? 

Me: Whoa whoa whoa Lioness, calm down. 

Lioness: And what about the Kwanzaanians??

Me: Really now? That's not a word and you know it.

Lioness: I’m just saying, it’s a little culturally insensitive. Your Boyfriend’s Jewish, for pete’s sake! 

Me: Oh come on, he’s not really Jewish. He converted to get married to his ex and he’s a hardcore atheist now.

Lioness: SHHHHH. Ex-nay on the theism-ay.

Me: Seriously?

Lioness: Yes. Other religions should be respected and represented fairly, but atheists should be shamed. It's not spoken of in polite conversation. Like shmashmortions.

Me: You mean abortions?

Lioness: I MEAN SHMASHMORTIONS, GIA!

Me: Whatever. You don't really think that everyone should be free to openly practice their beliefs BUT atheists, do you?

Lioness: Pretty much, yeah.

Well then. That was an enlightening conversation. Anyway, I do want to wish all everyone a (belated) Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Merry Festivus, and/or Happy "Nothing."  And a Happy Whatever Else I Probably Forgot But Cut Me a Break I Grew Up in a Conservative Italian Catholic Household. Okay?

Wait, I know what everyone can celebrate! It's already December 26th - HAPPY NEW YEAR! I mean we all experience the new year, right? 

Lioness: Well, except for the Chinese...
 
Damnit.

Merry Christmas Zombies!

Hope every is very Merry Christmas! Even the zombies! (But not the zombie sluts. I'm not Saint Gia).

Christmas Allie

Well, I'm at my parent's house for the holidays, which is sure to be   painfully  exhausting  super fun! I'll be torturing playing with my sister's cats and teaching my family the facts of proper wine drinkage. Unfortunately, this means I won't be able to spend a lot of time working on the blog because they're super nosy and enjoy sitting next to me and asking "Hey watcha dooin on the internet?" but at least I'll have a lot of blog fodder for when I come back.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas (if that's your cup o' tea). And I'm not the only one who wants to wish you Happy Holidays:

Allie's Christmas Wish: TO BE FAMOUS! But I'd settle for a kiss under the mistletoe...

Well, have a great weekend everyone, with lots of food/alcohol/presents/Christmas cookies! I'll be sneaking onto Twitter when I can, and will be back on Monday!

Christmas Whale

Quick question for you guys, before we get to Christmas Whale. Does anyone else experience Cocoonitis? See the following texting:

Me (at 11 am on the weekend): I made a cocoon of warmth and blankets in my bed and now I'm unable to get up. Nooooo

Boyfriend: You redefine sloth.

Me: Hey! This is a real disease. Cocoonitis. I've had since my parents made me sleep in 60 degrees growing up.

Boyfriend: There are less charitable names for it.

I mean, this is a real condition, don't you think? I'm SURE I'm not the only one out there suffering.

 Anyways, let's move on. Time for another Christmas Animal! 

Christmas Whale's Wish: For world peace. Or maybe green peace. I don't know, just SAVE THE WHALES!!

Sally the Whale isn't the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but she sure is passionate!

Boyfriend's Business Trip Part II

Boyfriend went on a business trip. Part I is here. Background is here. Oh, and disclaimer: there’s some vulgar language in this post. It’s how we roll.

Now, where were we?

Wednesday Texting 

Me: How is your breakfast today 

Boyfriend: Fine. Apparently I’m in a motivational plenary. Holyjesusfuckingshit.  [Boyfriend really didn’t enjoy the conference] 

Me: Whaaaat? Are they telling you to be the best you can be? 

Boyfriend: No 

Later that evening 

Boyfriend: Hmmm sluts in hotel bar! 

Me: No! What!! NOOOOO 

STAY AWAY!!!! 

Boyfriend: Can’t I just try. Would be good for my self esteem 

ME: NO!!!!!

Seriously, fuck everyone

Boyfriend: Sluts gone 

Me: Yaaay 

Boyfriend: Booo 

Me: They were prob voodoo zombie sluts 

Boyfriend: Prob 

15 minutes later 

Boyfriend: Holy crap 

Me: ??? 

Boyfriend: Super slut at the restaurant 

Me: NO!!!! Stay awaaaay! Is she with someone? 

Boyfriend: Remember I have no game 

Me: Yes you doooo 

Boyfriend: Nope 

Me: How’s your food [clearly trying to distract him] 

Boyfriend: Salad just came 

She’s a teacher 

Me: What??? 

HOW COULD YOU KNOW THAT 

Boyfriend: Heard her talking to the bartender. Small place. 

Me: You are too close! Too close!! 

This is how it probably looked like:

This is what I imagined:

Clicky to make bigger.

Boyfriend: Across the room for duck sake. She has no apparent daddy issues. [Autocorrected again] 

Me: Good. To both those things. 

Boyfriend: Great wine and steak 

She’s leaving 

Me: Woo!! 

Boyfriend: Sad 

No good 

I’m old. I should be trying lots of strange pussy. Pussy pussy pussy 

Me: What?? No!!! 

You should be happy with your good young pussy! 

Boyfriend: CRAZY young pussy 

Me: the best kind 

Boyfriend: glurf 

And then Boyfriend went back to his hotel room and we facetimed and I think he’s feeling old lately because he made jokes about how when he dies, I could blog about him dying for like “a whole week.” (“Best decomposing boyfriend ever!”) This obviously made me super sad because that’s not cool to think about because he’s totally not that old and seriously I will start to cry if we keep talking about this.

ANYWAYS, we also discussed how he thinks I’m a jinx when he golfs because if I text him while he’s playing, his game goes to shit. I think he’s crazy, but I also wanted to pump up him self esteem a bit (Lord knows its not fun when mine is low), so I made him this:

clicky to read

Luckily, Boyfriend came back in one piece on Thursday, and he and I had a fantastic date on Friday. 

Although, if you DON’T want your boyfriend to talk in a southern accent all night long (when it’s not evolving into his elderly man impersonation or his George Bush impersonation), maybe don’t watch The Help together. Just a suggestion.

Christmas Camel

Do you guys remember way back when I had a dream about a camel, thus proving I'm psychic? Well, I did.  Which makes this conversation with Boyfriend very relevant to today's post:

Me: I had a dream you bought me star wars bed sheets for Christmas. And a matching tshirt

Boyfriend: I did! Weird

Me: You were pissy that I wasn’t more excited about em.

Boyfriend: They’re fucking nice is all

Me: Okay okay! Ill wear the shirt every day.

Sheesh

Boyfriend: Hells yeah

Boyfriend and I are exchanging Christmas presents tomorrow, and I’m super excited to give him his gifts. I’ll show you guys what I got him next week. In the meantime:

Christmas Camel’s Wish: Taco bell.

(Dude’s clearly stoned.) 

For other Christmas Animals, go here.   And stay tuned tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of Boyfriend's Business Trip!

Boyfriend’s Business Trip Part I

For background, go here. Pretty much, Boyfriend went to a work conference in New Orleans and I obsessed over sluts and zombie sluts and voodoo.

So, how’d the trip go, you ask? Well, let’s walk through it, shall we?

Monday Texting 

Me: How’s your traveling going 

Boyfriend: Just landed 

Me: Reader comments are funny today 

Many people think I’m not crazy and you do need a protective talisman 

Also did you bring a gun? 

Boyfriend: Two 

And a snake

I bet he looked like this

Me: You keep that snake in your pants! 

Boyfriend: No sluts yet 

Me: Thank goodness. Sluts on a plane could be a very popular movie 

Boyfriend: Seriously 

So, Monday was relatively uneventful. It was all traveling…his conference didn’t start til Tuesday.

Tuesday Morning Texting 

Boyfriend: Carbs and coffee. Disaster. I need an egg and a slut. [Boyfriend eats low carb or gets pissy.]

They're both whores.

Me: Whaaaat? No! You don’t like morning sex [TMI. Sorry readers] 

Boyfriend: You know, for later. Drinks flow pretty good here 

Me: Rawr!!! No sluts! 

Boyfriend: If I eat more carbs I’m going to need something to make me feel better 

Me: Stop eating carbs then!!!! 

Boyfriend: That’s all there is! Oh well. Where the women at? 

Me: It’s far too early for you to be whoring already! 

Boyfriend: Just keeping my options open [Here is where Boyfriend exhausted his limit of texts regarding whoring for the day. It was 9:21 am]

A few minutes later 

Boyfriend: “Sugar” just texted me that she’s here too! Don’t need a slut now! [This is a lie. “Sugar” is this girl Boyfriend had to work with ONCE and is totally pretty so I hate her out of principle and Boyfriend loves mentioning her.] 

Me: MENTIROSO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

She’s a whore. 

Boyfriend: Let’s hope 

Me: ROAAARRRR 

Boyfriend: Easy there 

Me: growl. [NOT a happy lioness] 

Boyfriend: Bored shitless already. 

What time is it? 

I’m confused.

Dunno where that blood came from...

Anyway, then Boyfriend realized that “Fucking Louisiana is on central time!” and the reason why the conference was running late was actually because he was running an hour early and he should probably consult a map next time he goes somewhere.

Lunch Time Texting: 

Me:  Is it fun yet 

Boyfriend: No 

Just more carbs 

Need 2 slits [His phone autocorrects, but this gets the point across, albeit in a slightly cruder way] 

Now 

Me: No slits! 

Boyfriend: Slits! 

Me: How’s lunch? 

Boyfriend: Carby 

This session is a colossal blow job…by a werewolf

Dinner Texting 

Boyfriend:  Eating alligator soon [He decided to eat at some fancy restaurants on the trip] 

Me: Whaaat? Poor Allie [Don’t worry readers, I made sure she didn’t see this conversation] 

Are you in restaurant now? 

Boyfriend: Yes Allie is delish 

Apparently I’m invisible to women in Louisiana too 

Me: Yaaaaay!!!!! 

Boyfriend: Duck you [Again, his phone autocorrects. I picture this:]

Surprise! Christmas duck!

Boyfriend: Louisiana women are super hot. Not fair 

Me: Angryface. They’re all voodoo practicing slut wenches! 

So then on Tuesday night, we facetimed a bit.

Me: How many people are at the conference?
Boyfriend: About 1600
Me: Sausages versus tacos?
Boyfriend: Umm…. About 20% taco
Me: That’s a lot.
Boyfriend: But there’s only like 20 bangable women here. Max. [I think this was supposed to be reassuring] 
Me:  WHY ARE YOU NOTICING THIS???

And then we had to cut our conversation short because he did that thing where he drops his ipad  onto the bed or hits it a certain way and the sound stops working so I can hear him and he can't hear me. So then I have to pantomime like a drunk monkey. I think he does this on purpose.

(Boyfriend chats with me on his ipad, see?)

So….that was the start of the trip.  I’d say something about the conference itself, but apparently it was mind-numbingly boring. Tomorrow you guys are gonna get another Christmas animal, and I’m going to post the second half of this trip Wednesday. Spoiler alert: We talk more about sluts. And golf.

[Update: Part II is here]

My Bed is a Piece of Shizz

So, my bed is seriously awful. I’ve already described how it’s not big enough for Boyfriend I to sleep comfortable, but if you need a refresher, it looks like this:

Anyhoo, besides the fact that it’s too small, it’s also made of the cheapest college quality mattress you can find. Oh, and the headboard is only attached on one side, so if you are innocently leaning against it, it BANGS into the wall.

Also, it’s loud. Like, even when I’m just rolling over because I sleep like an eggbeater, it’s LOUD. So you can only imagine what it’s like during…other times (because I’m a sex goddess, remember?)

I’m determined to scope out after Christmas sales and buy myself a bed soon. Until then, here are 3 alternatives that may be more comfortable than sleeping in my bed.

1. Sleeping on rocks.

Seriously. At least rocks are quiet.

2. Sleeping in a fireplace

Yes, it is drawn to scale. It's a gigantic fireplace.

Guys guys guys, I know this picture is terrible. But in my defense, I was drunk when I drew it. That is all.

3. Sleeping on a roof.

It’s been debated who would fare better on a roof, me or boyfriend (answer: me). We could probably both sleep on one, though. Except for the Christmas lights. Especially if they’re blinking.

Also drawn to scale. It's a tiny roof.

So seriously, that’s it. I filled out a credit card application. I’m getting a bed.

Anyway, I hope you all have exciting weekend plans! I’m going to see Boyfriend, who survived the business trip (I’ll be blogging  about that next week...lots of close calls with zombie sluts!).  If you’re around, you can catch me drunk tweeting on twitter. Have a great weekend everyone!