For background, go here. Pretty much, Boyfriend went to a work conference in New Orleans and I obsessed over sluts and zombie sluts and voodoo.
So, how’d the trip go, you ask? Well, let’s walk through it, shall we?
Monday Texting
Me: How’s your traveling going
Boyfriend: Just landed
Me: Reader comments are funny today
Many people think I’m not crazy and you do need a protective talisman
Also did you bring a gun?
Boyfriend: Two
And a snake
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I bet he looked like this |
Me: You keep that snake in your pants!
Boyfriend: No sluts yet
Me: Thank goodness. Sluts on a plane could be a very popular movie
Boyfriend: Seriously
So, Monday was relatively uneventful. It was all traveling…his conference didn’t start til Tuesday.
Tuesday Morning Texting
Boyfriend: Carbs and coffee. Disaster. I need an egg and a slut. [Boyfriend eats low carb or gets pissy.]
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They're both whores. |
Me: Whaaaat? No! You don’t like morning sex [TMI. Sorry readers]
Boyfriend: You know, for later. Drinks flow pretty good here
Me: Rawr!!! No sluts!
Boyfriend: If I eat more carbs I’m going to need something to make me feel better
Me: Stop eating carbs then!!!!
Boyfriend: That’s all there is! Oh well. Where the women at?
Me: It’s far too early for you to be whoring already!
Boyfriend: Just keeping my options open [Here is where Boyfriend exhausted his limit of texts regarding whoring for the day. It was 9:21 am]
A few minutes later
Boyfriend: “Sugar” just texted me that she’s here too! Don’t need a slut now! [This is a lie. “Sugar” is this girl Boyfriend had to work with ONCE and is totally pretty so I hate her out of principle and Boyfriend loves mentioning her.]
Me: MENTIROSO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She’s a whore.
Boyfriend: Let’s hope
Me: ROAAARRRR
Boyfriend: Easy there
Boyfriend: Bored shitless already.
What time is it?
I’m confused.
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Dunno where that blood came from... |
Anyway, then Boyfriend realized that “Fucking Louisiana is on central time!” and the reason why the conference was running late was actually because he was running an hour early and he should probably consult a map next time he goes somewhere.
Lunch Time Texting:
Me: Is it fun yet
Boyfriend: No
Just more carbs
Need 2 slits [His phone autocorrects, but this gets the point across, albeit in a slightly cruder way]
Now
Me: No slits!
Boyfriend: Slits!
Me: How’s lunch?
Boyfriend: Carby
This session is a colossal blow job…by a werewolf
Dinner Texting
Boyfriend: Eating alligator soon [He decided to eat at some fancy restaurants on the trip]
Me: Whaaat? Poor Allie [Don’t worry readers, I made sure she didn’t see this conversation]
Are you in restaurant now?
Boyfriend: Yes Allie is delish
Apparently I’m invisible to women in Louisiana too
Me: Yaaaaay!!!!!
Boyfriend: Duck you [Again, his phone autocorrects. I picture this:]
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Surprise! Christmas duck! |
Boyfriend: Louisiana women are super hot. Not fair
Me: Angryface. They’re all voodoo practicing slut wenches!
So then on Tuesday night, we facetimed a bit.
Me: How many people are at the conference?
Boyfriend: About 1600
Me: Sausages versus tacos?
Boyfriend: Umm…. About 20% taco
Me: That’s a lot.
Boyfriend: But there’s only like 20 bangable women here. Max. [I think this was supposed to be reassuring]
Me: WHY ARE YOU NOTICING THIS???
And then we had to cut our conversation short because he did that thing where he drops his ipad onto the bed or hits it a certain way and the sound stops working so I can hear him and he can't hear me. So then I have to pantomime like a drunk monkey. I think he does this on purpose.
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(Boyfriend chats with me on his ipad, see?) |
So….that was the start of the trip. I’d say something about the conference itself, but apparently it was mind-numbingly boring. Tomorrow you guys are gonna get another Christmas animal, and I’m going to post the second half of this trip Wednesday. Spoiler alert: We talk more about sluts. And golf.
[Update: Part II is here]