Monday, July 22, 2013

The Story of Leviticus

Because I haven’t been blasphemous in awhile.

This is Leviticus.

And this is his hot wife, Mrs Leviticus.
Nobody tell me their names weren't really Leviticus. I don't want to hear your nonsense.
They had a pretty normal marriage...



Except for the fact that God spoke to Leviticus and gave him a bunch of rules, which Leviticus had the duty to share. He absolutely was not making them up as he went along.




Despite Leviticus' constant rule-making, Mrs. Leviticus was a pretty good wife. 

Note: I don't know what crabcakes look like.







In case you're not getting this, Leviticus was a bit of a dick.




God always made rules at the most convenient times for Levi.





Mrs. Leviticus was no fool, and was getting pretty tired of his shenanigans.





So Mrs. Leviticus’ brother, Samuel, visited. They didn’t have a guest room because every time Mrs. Leviticus asked Leviticus to work on it, he said he didn’t have time because he needed to rest on the Sabbath. So they only had one bedroom, and one big bed.





That was the last straw for Mrs. Leviticus.


God is a cloud, remember?
And Leviticus never made up another bullshit rule from God again.



Those *WHO trim their beards, damnit

The End!

[Note: It took me a million hours to make this giant post and I’m pretty proud of it, so I’m not posting anything new on Wednesday. Also, it’s ok for me to say all this because I’m technically catholic. I’m pretty sure this is what they taught me in CCD. Or not, I don’t know. I was usually drunk.]

37 comments:

  1. This is as likely a scenario for how Leviticus came up with that stuff, as any. This may be my favorite post of all time!

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  2. What, men who wrote the bible were potentially pulling these supposed God-given rules out of their ass as a matter of convenience? Highly unlikely. Wasn't there also something about God being cool with owning slaves? I don't know, I only believe in the one true religion, Scientology.

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  3. God says not to shave my beard? That's how I know Leviticus was making that up. A just God wouldn't let me walk around with half a patchy beard on my face, looking like some of disease-ridden primate.

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  4. Now I finally understand...CCD would've been much clearer with cartoons!

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  5. Thou Shalt Not Eat Dog!
    And the Chosen People of God rejoiced, for they were good with that.
    I know what "CCD" means: "Confraternity of Christian Doctrine."
    By the way, I went to Catholic School and we HATED CCD kids. They only had religion once a week, they totally effed up our desks when they showed up (including chewing our pencils-ewww), and they didn't have nuns for teachers.
    It's okay. I have my own seat reserved for me in Purgatory for about a thousand years or so.

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    Replies
    1. Is that really what CCD means? *do do doooo* the more you knowww

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    2. Really. In my book ('Shag Carpet Toilet'-Available NOW...and last year...on Kindle, NOOK, or bathroom walls worldwide. Get yours now! While MILLIONS are left!), I had to research what CCD meant for my chapter titled "Of God We Preach." It was about Catholic School. No shit.

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  6. Great post!!

    Five out loud chuckles.

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  7. This post was definitely worth the million hours it took to make.

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  8. A fine post, indeed and I thank Joeh for pointing it out to me.

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  9. And along the same lines:

    https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/1005734_501537173267324_116215832_n.jpg

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  10. You should check out the book "A Year of Living Biblically"

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  11. This is amazing! There are no other words--just the way Leviticus would want it from a woman!

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  12. Well I'm no expert on the Bible so, this sounds good to me!

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  13. This makes way, WAY too much sense. Just saying.

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  14. Pretty sure this is how ALL the books of the bible were devised. Many men wanted their wives to stay in line and for them not to have to do chores. It's all so clear now!

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  15. Very well done Mayor G. This should be the only way bible stories are told :)

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  16. Haha, I think I would actually be interested in bible stories f you told them all! x

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  17. I learned more from this post about religion than I've ever learned before. Nicely done!!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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  18. Oh that's awesome work Gia, thank you from here for all the effort you put in. I was totally with him until he said God was against cotton poly mix. Pffft, as if.

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  19. I lurv you! Leviticus was a twat-waffle.

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  20. I will stab you right in the penis!

    I'm totally using that.

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  21. Visiting from Hilary's Posts of the Week. Congratulations for the shout out!

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  22. i grew up catholic, too, so totally understand the irreverence. :)

    congrats on your POTW!

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  23. Congratulations on the POTW.
    Hugs,
    Jackie

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  24. Gia....you rock! Truly, i love you! Besyest post ever!!!!!!!!!!

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  25. Dude. Can I be in your bible study group?

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  26. I'm reminded of the book, "The Year of Living Biblically" by A.J. Jacobs. It was funny, too.

    A lot of food for thought here. Thanks for taking the time and creativity to dish it up.

    Visiting from Hilary's. Congrats!

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  27. I am so sad we don't live near each other cuz this {as do all your posts, but this one IN PARTICULAR} makes me wanna pick you up in a big hug and bring over cheap wine to drink with your popcorn, like, totally my treat. You seriously brought the funny. Even my hubz laughed, and he is notorious for never laughing if I preface a reading with, "OMG, Honey you have to read this, it's hysterical!"

    PS. I love you. But in the good way. Not the scary way.

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  28. This is a BRILLIANT post! Yay, you! (joeh mentioned it on another blog, so I had to come check it out... glad I did, too!)

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  29. Funny, but...

    So it seems yo me that no one likes the Jewish religion and they're not the slightest bit interested in trying to understand that religion. Everything in it has it's purpose, obvious or hidden.

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    Replies
    1. Are you trying to troll me right now? Please, let me assure you, this has nothing to do with the jewish religion in particular. I'm an equal opportunist ignoramus about literally any bible story out there, old testament or new. (Boyfriend's technically jewish, so one could say I'm actually a pretty big fan of them.)

      I'm considering making a comic about the book of mormon but i'm slightly hesitant because 1. that means i have to wikipedia the book of mormon and it's probably kind of a long entry and 2. it almost seems too easy. almost.

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